Babies can be frustrating little creatures who can’t tell you what they want (JUST TELL ME WHY YOU ARE CRYING AND I WILL GLADLY FIX IT! I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT IS WRONG!!) and I really think most of the first year or so is spent trying to figure out what makes them tick. There are plenty of baby books out there to teach you how to care for a baby, but what would have been far more helpful would have been a book to teach me how to care for my particular baby!
So, in honor of Nathan turning one this weekend (AH! How did that happen? I swear we just brought him home from the hospital!) here is what Nathan’s instruction manual would say (had someone been so nice as to provide me with one!)
- I don’t like to make too big a deal out of things, so if I’m hungry, I might just be fussy. And if I’m STARVING, I might just be extra fussy. If you give me more food and I DEVOUR it, I was probably really hungry but didn’t want to bother you about it. (Note to self for next child: breastfeeding on demand is good, but if the baby wants to feed for literally hours at a time and is still never quite satisfied, call the lactation consultant rather than just continuing to let him eat and fuss! Apparently that’s not what they mean by “let him eat as much as he wants”. They should probably put that in the notes somewhere – nursing for an hour on each side and still not being happy isn’t normal. I WISH NATHAN WOULD HAVE JUST TOLD ME HE WAS HUNGRY! That would have saved an awful lot of guilt on my end and suffering on his!)
This is the body of a baby WHO NEEDS TO EAT MORE! It took him 4 months to fill out that newborn outfit!
- I like to sleep on my stomach, but you won’t know that for a long time because babies aren’t ALLOWED to sleep on their stomach! Instead, I’ll just be miserable and refuse to nap unless I’m being held. If it’s daytime and you put me down on my back, I will FREAK OUT! I don’t care WHAT you try to do with me, if it’s not holding me, it’s not good enough!
"Once I can roll over and you can't stop me, I will get onto my tummy and sleep like a log!"
- When I’m teething, I don’t really want to chew on things (well, any more than I usually do!) I don’t really want anything at all, except for you to sit down and be next to me. No, I don’t really want to PLAY with you, I just want to see you sit on the floor (NO! NOT THE CHAIR! I DIDN’T SAY YOU COULD SIT ON A CHAIR! IT HAS TO BE THE FLOOR!) I know you have lots of things you want to get done, but trust me, we’ll both be much happier if you just come sit on the floor with me. I’ll be cute and stop whining then, I promise! (I’m also going to get a gnarly diaper rash. Don’t panic! It’s not something I ate or a new detergent, and it’ll go away soon!)
"Oh, I'll also drool a lot, too. But that part probably won't be too surprising".
- I think it’s HYSTERICAL when you put my toys in your mouth! If you chew on the back of my binky, I promise I’ll stop trying to flail and crawl away while you change my diaper!
"See, Mommy, THIS is how you play with a toy! You don't push buttons, you put it in your mouth!"
- Don’t try to cut my nails. Just, don’t. Put the clippers down and walk away (if you know what is good for you!)
"I don't care if they're growing down over the ends of my toes! I LIKE them that way!"
- I really love kitchen utensils. Give me some spoons (or a straw! Or a whisk! Or a lid!) and I’ll be occupied for hours!
"Ooooh, shiny . . . . "
- I don’t care too much about toys, so don’t even BOTHER trying to tempt me to roll over or do anything for them. If you happen to leave an electronic device somewhere accessible, though, I will suddenly become mobile enough to get it! (Even if it means crawling over my own uncoordinated limbs to get there!) So your idea to put the printer in the living room? Probably not such a smart one . . .
"I may look drowsy and weird, but I'm really just trying to lull you into a false sense of security before I pull this printer apart LIGHTING FAST!"
- You know how my eyes cross? Yeah, that’s not something that I’m gonna grow out of (it’s also why I show no interest in mobiles, and probably why I used to always stare at people’s foreheads instead of their eyes). HURRY, GET ME SOME GLASSES!
Yeah, they're crossed. That was kind of a big deal this year!
Happy almost-birthday, Nathan! It’s been one heck of a learning experience this past year, and it’ll be interesting to see what we learn in the next year (if you take after me, I’m anticipating some pretty EPIC temper tantrums!) 
What do you wish had been included in your baby’s instruction manual? Tell me in the comments or on the Facebook page!
