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The Great Gender Debate

by Carolyn on August 29, 2010

Since we’ve started telling people that we’re pregnant, I’ve noticed a trend in the questions people immediately ask, and I have to admit to being surprised. Very few people ask when we’re due/how far along we are (and for the record, I know that I am the one who is pregnant and that it’s not a group event. However, I feel like it leaves J out of the process if I talk about “my” being pregnant and when “I” am due, and that’s not how I see it. So get over any pronoun issues you might be having and move on!)

So far the number one thing people ask is

When can you find out the gender of the baby???? Do you want to know the gender?????

I find no offense in these questions, and the first would be at the top of my list of questions to ask, too (though honestly, wouldn’t you rather know first how far into the process someone is??)

What I find utterly baffling is when people qualify it by asking if we even plan to find out the gender. Are there really still people out there who don’t find out the gender? I would think those people would be the exception to the rule, yet people continue to ask the question as though we might be insulted by their insinuation that we’re going against the norm!

I cannot for the life of me think of a good reason to not take advantage of information that is readily available. I loved my previous ultrasounds and all the new things we learned from them (exactly how big the baby was, a new estimated due date, the fact that its heart did indeed beat!) If the only way to find out the gender was by some method that had the potential for harm, then we might not necessarily find out. But if they’re already going to be checking in the baby and looking at all its parts, why not look at those particular points while they’re at it? :)

With so many decisions seeming to hang on whether or not it’s a boy or a girl (okay, well, mostly choosing names and what color to buy clothing in, but still, there’s a ton of effort that goes into those decisions!) can anybody give me a really good reason why we wouldn’t want to find out if it’s going to be a boy or a girl? ;)

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Tagged as: baby, pregnancy

  • http://www.sams-stories.com sam

    1) my least favorite question is “do you want a boy or a girl?” Well, do I get a choice?

    2) I’ve thought about not finding out if we have another one. I’m worried about having a girl (and passing on fibro) and if I don’t until I give birth I’m hoping I will be so happy I won’t fret too much.

    3) I realize points 1 & 2 contradict each other. Sorry!

    • Carolyn

      That’s such a good point! YES, it’s so awkward when people ask what gender baby I WANT! I’d forgotten that one! (And I have to admit to having probably asked all of these things of pregnant women before. I’m learning some good lessons, here!) I usually just say that it already is what it is, and I’ll just be excited to meet it :)

  • http://thecapedcow.blogspot.com Katie

    I think a reason not to find out is the surprise factor. I have always wanted to find out the gender as soon as possible, but Andy would rather wait to find out. He likes the idea of the surprise. And when the kid is born the doctor gets to tell you if it’s a boy or a girl. And in this case you would have a boy name and a girl name picked out before the birth and use whichever. I’m coming around on the idea but I’m not sold on it yet.

    • Carolyn

      I guess I just A) don’t like surprises all that much, and B) can’t imagine telling the ultrasound tech, “Hey, just pass over that section of the body there, I don’t want you to look at that!” ;) I mean, it’s right there, how would you not look?? I guess this is why, when I was growing up, my parents wouldn’t put the Christmas presents under the tree until after we’d gone to sleep on Christmas Eve – I never tried to open any presents early, but man, if they were out in plain sight none of us would do anything but stare at it and wonder what it is. I guess I just have no joy in that kind of anticipation. I’ll be eager to see if you go through with it, though ;)

  • http://thelastgirlstanding.blogspot.com/ The Last Girl Standing

    I think I’d want to find out. Not only to help prepare (after all there can only be so many beige and/or yellow nurseries, not that there’s anything wrong with either) but to also help form a bond early. However… when someone else is pregnant I prefer not to know. There are so few surprises left in the world that between c-sections and ultrasounds all that’s left for a surprise is the name. I’m selfish that way… I want to know, but don’t want anyone else to. ;)

    Thanks for stopping by today! :)

    • http://www.makingitworkblog.com Carolyn Russell

      Hahaha, so you’d rather I hadn’t shared the gender of the baby I was carrying? That’s so funny ;) But nobody ever said opinions had to be LOGICAL! (Well, my hubby would probably disagree, but I’ll grant that there’s some grey area on most topics!) As it turned out, we had an emergency C-section and did NOT have a name ready, so there was still plenty of excitement and surprise for everyone involved in Nathan’s birth! :)

  • Emi

    Hey Carolyn,

    I’m a little late in weighing in here, but thought I’d offer my two cents…or at least offer a nugget of insight (I’m not going to even attempt to call it wisdom) on this topic.

    Yes, there are still people who will wait until the baby comes out to find out about the gender. Most recently in the news, Mario Lopez and his significant other, did not find out the gender of their child until she was born.

    My sister actually waited, for 3 out of 4 of her kiddos, to find out the gender. At first it was for fun, but it became more of a family tradition for them. In a way it spoke along the lines of “It does not matter to us, whether or not our baby is a boy or a girl, we just want our baby to be healthy.”

    In terms of planning clothing, decor…etc, my sister, and most people who wait to find out the gender, mainly stuck to gender neutral colors such as beige, yellows, pastel greens, pastel purples. I don’t really remember having a hard time picking out clothes and gifts for her kids, but who knows…it has been a while now since my first two nephews were born.

    With my most recent nephew (born 08/16/10), they REALLY waited, and didn’t prep at all until after he was born. I literally was ordering diapers and onesies for him off diapers.com (awesome website if you haven’t checked it out BTW) the day he was born so that they would have clothes and diapers for him when she and the baby were discharged from the hospital. LOL

    I hope you are doing well and that your pregnancy has gotten easier..and by that I mean less morning sickness! *hugs*

    • http://www.makingitworkblog.com Carolyn Russell

      It seems that the more I get into the online world of parents (message boards, blogs, online friends, etc.) the more people I find who like to wait to find out the gender. Which is FINE, I have nothing AGAINST people who want to be surprised, I just cannot for the life of me relate or understand those people. I also didn’t believe there were people who LOVED being pregnant until I met a few of them (and I still think they’re kind of crazy! But I’m probably just jealous!) so the whole thing has been a learning experience for me in more ways than one ;)  

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  • Marie Hix

    Because surprises are fun! I had two ultrasounds – one at 9 weeks and one at 15 – before I switched to midwifery care, (where I was actually treated like a human being and not like a piece of meat with a dangerous disease.) I wanted my delivery to be meaningful and peaceful, and I wanted to meet my son or daughter when I could see his or her face! It was a personal decision and I don’t think either way (knowing or not knowing) is “better” than the other. My sister is pregnant now and she couldn’t wait to find out! More power to her, I say! :)

    And, as a sidenote, not knowing the gender really saves money at Gymboree… And if you are not a fan of “girly girl” clothes, it prevents well meaning and/or intrusive relatives from buying you things with frills on them… ;)

    • http://www.makingitworkblog.com Carolyn Russell

      LOL, I like your point about it keeping other people from being clothes you don’t like ;) And for the record, I don’t CARE if people don’t want to find out, I just really didn’t think it was a common thing! It’s like if you tell people you’re pregnant, most people just ASSUME you’ll give birth in a hospital, because that’s kind of the societal norm. I really don’t care where anyone gives birth (um, as long as they’re mindful of the fact that they’re having a BABY, and someone knowledgable should be around just in case it goes wrong!) but it wouldn’t be the first thing I asked a pregnant woman. I thought finding out the gender was enough of a societal norm to be assumed until proven otherwise. I guess I was wrong! :)

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