I’ve always tried to make the right decisions. I worked hard in school, got good grades, did well at my job, learned to make responsible financial choices and sacrifices and plan for my future. However, after 27 years of priding myself on being so smart, I’m only just now beginning to understand how terribly unwise I am.
Apparently, at some point in life, that future you plan for is supposed to become reality. Except that if you never steer your life in that direction, how are you supposed to reach that destination? And what do you do if you have to make some stupid decisions in order to get there?
I’ve never made a secret of the fact that the only job I’ve ever been interested in is being a full-time mom. There are lots of other things I’d like to do and think I’d do well at, but I have no career aspirations that surpass my desire to raise kids.
I’m aware of the financial burdens of having kids, so we’ve waited to start trying until we could live off of J’s income and wouldn’t need mine in order to support our family. As I talked about in my first post, we’re at that point now. It’ll still be tough, but we’re just too ready to wait any longer.
The smart thing at this point would be, of course, to continue working throughout my pregnancy. I’ve seen lots of coworkers continue to do therapy up until their 8th month, and it makes sense to earn as much money as possible before incurring the expenses of giving birth!
But this is where I started learning my lessons about wisdom the hard way. Once I realized that there was a light at the end of the tunnel for me at work, it became very obvious very quickly that I wouldn’t be able to last that long. I guess as long as I kept my head down and nose to the grindstone I was able to power through each day, but as soon as I stopped to look around me and take stock in my life, I realized that I just couldn’t do it anymore.
And suddenly, the fact that I was working so hard to make money didn’t feel like a smart decision anymore. Intellectually, it still was the smart thing to do. It was the right decision. But the anxiety about the upcoming work week that would start mid-Saturday and culminate in tears on Sunday, and the full-body rash that would disappear Friday evening, only to return on Monday morning, all disagreed with that statement. My body knew that I was being unwise far before my mind did. And once I started listening to my heart, I realized that you can’t always blindly follow your mind. Sometimes you have to actively fight against your intellect and go with your gut.
So now that I’ve finally made peace with my decision and spoken with the key players, I am relieved to finally be able to tell the rest of the world!
We are now actively trying to get pregnant, and at the end of the summer, I’ll be leaving my job.
Is that a smart thing to do, given the fact that I’m not even pregnant yet? Hell no! But is it wise? Yes, absolutely. I can’t put a price on my own life, and for longer than I realized, that’s what I’d been doing.
I’d been measuring my life in the amount of money I could make from each moment, in order to achieve my future. I was going to work for the paycheck, long after it stopped being rewarding and fulfilling, and long after I’d come to dread and despair every minute of my day (and I tried to cram as much as possible into each day, too).
The first time I really truly asked myself how I’d feel about quitting my job, I burst into tears. I hadn’t realized the extent of my misery until the physical and emotional weight on my shoulders had been removed. It took the absence of stress for me to understand just how much stress I had been under.
So I’m about to embark on a stupid (but wise!) course of action in order to make my dreams a reality. Except for the momentary financial panic flashes, I haven’t felt this serene and excited in a very long time.
I owe all of you who have supported me in this tough time of evaluation and decision making a huge thank-you-hug, and I hope you’ll all stick around to see what comes next.
Think us good thoughts!
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See! If we listen to our gut, we will never be wrong! We all have the right to live our lives the way we choose, the happiest way. If that means being a full time Mom, a zoo keeper, or a Doctor, it doesn’t matter! Do what you want
Oh that is so exciting! All of it! It is impressive that you have the strength to recognize that work is making you miserable and to be able to walk away from it. I am also really excited for more baby talk on this blog!
Ironically enough, at the time that I wrote the blog, I already knew I was pregnant
So I’d been looking forward to getting this big decision off of my chest, and instead I only got to share HALF of the story! That was tough!
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